Recent statistics on life expectancy suggest that this role reversal of the child becoming the parent is more likely to grow. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the average life expectancy in the U.S. is now 77.9 years. And according to the Data360 website, the U.S. male’s life expectancy is now 75.68 years and it is 81.58 years for a woman in the U.S.

Many are ill-prepared for the job of parental care giving (I was somewhat “blindsided” when, unexpectedly, I was thrust into the caregiver role). I was not exactly ready for the physical, financial, and emotional demands that my mother required. This is not an unusual circumstance. A recent survey revealed:
63% of caregivers have no plan as to how they will pay for their parent’s care over the next five years.
62% say the cost of caring for a parent has impacted their ability to plan for their own financial future.
34% spend $300 or more per month out of their own pocket for care giving expenses.
48% say they are earning less money at work as a result of care giving.
And, according to the Family Caregiver Alliance, close to 44 million Americans are currently providing unpaid care to another adult, and oftentimes, around the clock. Family members provide approximately 80% of the long-term care given in the U.S.

Here are some tips and advice that may make the transition from the child to the parent, for our parents, a little easier:

For your OWN wellbeing:

Take a daily vitamin supplement – keep your immune system and general health in tiptop shape
Get exercise — make it a priority for both your mental and physical well-being.
Get regular check-ups and do not ignore possible symptoms of ill health.
Take a break from care giving – you need to recharge in order to be effective, mentally and emotionally, in your care giving.
Get a flu shot – it is important not only for your own health, but for the overall health of your parent
Watch for signs of depression – this applies to you as well as your parent.The demands of care giving can often lead to depression and watch for signs of depression in your parent.
Stay involved in hobbies – another outlet to cope with the mental demands of care giving
Laugh with a friend – laughter is indeed a great medicine for you and your parent

For Financial Planning and Advice:
These websites, compiled by the New York Times, offer very helpful advice and guidance to help plan, financially, for the needs of your parent:

BenefitsCheckUp – A search tool developed by the National Council on Aging to determine eligibility for 1,300 benefit programs that help pay for medications, health care, utilities and so forth.

National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys – Search by location for members of the association. Provides questions to ask lawyers about qualifications and areas of expertise, and a wide-ranging resource list for the elderly.

National Association of Insurance Commissioners – Free fact sheets and shoppers’ guides for long-term care insurance, annuities and Medigap policies.

Insurance Information Institute

Reverse.org - A consumer’s guide to reverse mortgages from a non-profit with no ties to the industry. Links to the AARP’s calculator for choosing such policies.

ReverseMortgage.org -Similar calculator and search tool to find local lenders, with links to their Web sites.

Nolo – Do-it-yourself legal advice. Wills, powers of attorney and other documents.

Senior Law Home Page – Advice from a New York law firm on the legal and financial issues facing the elderly. state forms for powers of attorney, health care proxies and living wills.

U.S. Living Will Registry – Free state-by-state forms.

American Bar Association Aging Tool Kit – Offers a 10-step process for making end-of-life decisions with worksheets, suggestions and links.

While the demands of being a caregiver to a parent are tough and often challenging, do not lose sight of the rewards as well. This is a time when you can form a closer bond with your parent and give back to them for the sacrifices and efforts they previously gave to you. Remember to cherish this time and embrace this new chapter in the relationship with your parent.

Until next time…

Blessings!

Traci
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Most would assume that kids from single parent homes are hardest hit, emotionally, during the Christmas season. However, the Christmas season can be just as hard, if not harder, for the single parent; especially for those who are “new” single parents due to a divorce or a sudden death of a spouse. Instead of laughter and anticipation for the holidays, the single parent can become more like to the proverbial Ebenezer Scrooge character and embody the “bah-humbug” attitude towards the season.

In the case of divorce, the single parent can experience a range of emotions: guilt, anger, and sadness. There is also just the whole “uncomfortable” factor as Christmas is, culturally, a time for the traditional family and friends to gather together and celebrate. Where there is a physical loss of a spouse, the same “traditional” family celebration is now emotionally hard and the adjustment to a new family scenario is a big challenge. And even for those single parents who have not gone through a recent divorce or death of their spouse, the ever-present pressure to fill both the dad and mom role is even more pronounced at holiday time. Instead of basking in the joy and meaning of the holiday, bitterness, stress, and tiredness can oftentimes prevail.

So, how can these pressures and negative emotions be alleviated for the single parent? Well, here is just a short list of some ideas and viewpoints that may make the single parent load a little easier at Christmas AND put the joy BACK into the holiday season:

1) Single parents and their children need reassurance from their extended families and/or friends. Forget about the traditional rituals. Focus on what is more important: We are a family, no matter the size or “shape” it may take. And for you folks out there who are friends of single parents, make it a point to be there for them during the holidays- mentally, emotionally, as well as spending time in person. It will surely make these families feel more “included” in the season.

2) And who says that “traditions” are just reserved for a “Mom-Dad-Sister-Brother” household? In this modern era of families in all sizes and “flavors”, it is time to create your OWN traditions. Maybe you, as a single parent, and your kids(s) will start an annual Christmas vacation ritual. Or, maybe it is a “volunteer to feed the homeless” ritual. Or it can simply be an at home ritual that has significant meaning for you all. No matter what the ritual or custom you start…just start one! It will give you and your kid(s) something special to look forward to at Christmas time.

3) Be true and transparent about your feelings. Most of the time, single parents are putting the needs (mentally and emotionally) of their kids first. While this is important and noble, at the same time, single parents need to deal with their own feelings. This may mean confiding in a close friend to “release” baggage before the holiday season. Realize that you are not alone. Even during the season, maybe you can set time aside some “me” time to reflect, cry, whatever it takes. Where appropriate, share these feelings with your kid(s) while being mindful to never “bad mouth” or “degrade” the other parent. In the long run, your kid(s) will appreciate your honesty and that you included them in your healing process.

4) Budgeting is always a challenge for the single parent, but especially during the holiday season. Start planning your holiday budget in September and/or October. As a matter of fact, I have known of single parents that plan their holiday spending in the summer! Shop as early as possible to catch sales that creep up during the year and definitely take advantage of sales right after Christmas (for next year’s holiday season). These things can take some of the “edge” off when dealing with an already limited budget.

5) Making gifts and presents may sound “cheap”, but it can also be a fun and memorable time spent between single parent and kid(s). You can also mix in “home made” gifts and cards with store bought as well. Get creative and have some fun in the process.

These are just a few ideas and viewpoints that, hopefully, will make the single parent Christmas one that is filled with joy and will take away the “bah-humbugs”.

Until next time…

Traci

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Choosing to be a single parent isn’t just reserved for celebrities anymore. A choice parent is a parent who voluntarily decides from the very beginning, before actually becoming a parent, to raise a child. While this type of parent is technically classified as a “single parent”, the difference is that unlike most single parents, this person will enter single parenthood with “full knowledge and the conscious choice” that he or she will raise the child without a partner.

For a woman, there are a few ways to become a choice parent. Some may voluntarily become a choice parent by artificial insemination with donor sperm. Others may choose adoption. Women who choose insemination or adoption to become parents are referred to as “choice moms” or “choice mothers”. Most women who chose this route are over 35 years of age, are educated, and have a stable career or business. Thus, children born to most choice mothers are less likely to be at risk of poverty unlike the average single mother household where approximately 50% are living in poverty. While the number is still small, there is a growing segment of society of men who are also choosing to become single parents. This group is referred to as “choice fathers”. For men, this is achieved through surrogacy. It is also worth noting that a large majority of these men are homosexual, but some are indeed heterosexual.

What factors would drive a person (male or female) to become a choice parent? It is probably safe to assume that most people would prefer the more traditional path of meeting the “right” person and then having children to raise together., However, the high divorce rate, women being more career-focused than in previous decades, and both men and women waiting to marry much later in life than before all contribute to the growing choice parent trend. For many, the idea of waiting around for “Mr. or Ms. Right” to appear in their lives before having a child, especially after age 35, is not an attractive option. Also, for women, the risk of birth issues increases with age. For those who have not found a suitable partner, but really want to be a parent, this option becomes more viable.

But, does this trend also contribute to the breakdown of the traditional family? It is one thing to become a single parent by circumstance (death of a spouse, divorce, or abandonment), but if more and more people are choosing single parenthood over marriage, will this send a negative message to future generations? Or, will it help to give children (especially in the case of adoption) a better chance of finding a real home?

What do you think?

Until next time…

Traci

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My mother, who was dealing with her own issues of hurt and disappointment, rarely had a positive thing to say about my dad. As a matter of fact, she spent a great deal of time using him as the “poster boy” for WHY you can never trust men! This syndrome is very common in homes where the parents divorce or separate under less than amicable terms. Oftentimes, one parent (more often the mother) either knowingly or unknowingly instills negative thoughts and emotions into the child. The child, in turn, eventually ostracizes the other parent. During all this often, anger, confusion, frustration, and sadness are some of the emotions a child or teen may experience.

Currently, the American Psychiatric Association is faced with a new dilemma as it updates its established list of mental disorders: should a situation, like one cited above and often referred to as “parental alienation” (see http://www.cspas.ca/ for more info), be formally classified as a mental disorder that many children and teens face, or would it just serve as a convenient excuse for parents who actively “poison” their child’s point of view of the other parent?

Some firmly believe that this is just another tool or tactic to be used in situations such as child custody battles. Others feel that by not recognizing this as a true mental illness, children and teens could miss out on the necessary treatment they need to get through potentially devastating ordeals such as divorce. Still others are reluctant to call this syndrome a “mental illness”, but feel it is better categorized as a “relational problem”. For those who propose that it is indeed a mental illness, parental alienation disorder may be defined as “a mental condition in which a child, usually one whose parents are engaged in a high conflict divorce, allies himself or herself strongly with one parent, and rejects a relationship with the other parent, without legitimate justification.”

While parental alienation directly affects the child and parents involved, it also has far reaching consequences. Grandparents, siblings, cousins, etc. can also suffer the ill effects of the negative viewpoints and rejection of a parent that children in these situations often display. Yet, there is still a long way to go to prove whether this truly is a condition that warrants psychological treatment.

Whether or not the decision is made to lump this into the category of mental illness or to just acknowledge it as the unfortunate result of a broken home, children and teens can only benefit from support and help in adjusting to being without both parents. More importantly, they can use the help in avoiding the long term effects of harboring anger, negativity, and resentment to either parent.

What do you think?

Until next time…

Traci

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Heroes At Home Radio: Interview w/ Single Parent and Entrepreneur

I am so glad that I had the opportunity to recently interview an exceptional single parent and entrepreneur. She built her business with very little initial support and some personal challenges along the way as well. Let me introduce you to SEO Markting consultant, Lea Charlton.

Lea  is now living her dream as a work at home mother and the “driving force” behind the scenes of the successful internet-based consultancy, ALMC Solutions. Lea ventured into this Internet Marketing Industry because she needed a flexible way to provide for her family. As a single mother, she had been trying to change the quality of her family’s life for years until she learned how to use the Internet. In the late 1990′s, she learned all about the World Wide Web and developed her Internet Marketing skills during the “dot com” boom. She is a self-taught .COM professional and eventually returned to college for computer programming and business management after her initial success on the Internet. After gaining more experience in helping more clients obtain search engine rank increases, Lea became a full time Internet Marketing Specialist in 2004. As a native of “the steel city”, she chose the handle “Pittsburgh SEO Lady”. This was all done from her virtual office. ALMC Solutions now works with consultants throughout the US. Listen as she talks about how she did it while caring for a child with special needs (ADHD, ODD, Transitional Disorder, Asperger’s Tendencies).

Listen to other inspiring interviews at the “Heroes at Home Radio” – www.heroesathomeradio.com – website.

Until next time….

Blessings!

Traci

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Sure, the term “Back to School” conjures up images of yellow school buses, lunch boxes, school uniforms, and a quieter household!   But, there is another type of “back to school” image that we are starting to see a lot more of….single parents hitting college campuses. Colleges are seeing a huge increase in the number of older, returning students on their campuses. And many of these students have children. More and more single parents are realizing their dreams of graduating from college and obtaining a more satisfying and better-paid career or business. Still, there are many single parents who want to quit their current job, but are afraid of the “risk”, especially in light of the current economic climate. However, isn’t it MORE of a risk not to invest in your future, which in turn affects the future of your children?  Shifting from a “fear-based” mentally to an “investment-based” mentality can make the difference. Think of going to college for four years as an investment. You are “investing” in your talents and the return on that investment will be evident after four years of your time. All advancement in life requires a level of risk; but that risk could yield big dividends for you and your household.

So now that we have the “fear” notion nipped at the bud, how can single parents comfortably afford to attend college? Well, the good news is that there are more and more scholarships and grants available to assist the single parent demographic. If you start your search on the internet, there will be many annoying pop-up ads or links that offer thousands of dollars in free money; unfortunately, most of these offers are not legitimate and many single parents have fallen victim to these scams. Start your search by directly contacting the schools you are interested in attending.  Many have localized scholarships tailored to the single parent.

There are also some national resources that the single parent can tap into. Here is just a sample of what is out there:

Women’s Opportunity Awards

The “Women’s Opportunity Awards” is a program is sponsored by www.soroptimist.org.  These must be submitted through the State, City, or Region in which you live. They accept applications between July 1st and December 1st each year.

The Jeannette Rankin Foundation

“The Jeannette Rankin Foundation” provides single parent scholarships to single mothers ages 35 and older. The applicant must currently be enrolled in an accredited college program and must show financial need because this scholarship aims to help those in the low-income bracket.

“Raise the Nation”

“Raise the Nation” is a program that offers single parent scholarships to not only single mothers, but also their college aged children. They offer continuing education scholarships, loan repayment grants, and scholarships for children who have been raised by a single mother only.  A small fee required ($20) for processing the student’s application.

The Assistance League

“The Assistance League” is a foundation that offers several single parent scholarships (single moms AND dads) to deserving applicants every year. This foundation has several programs that are community based to help single parents to return to school.

This is really just the tip of the iceberg. Start with the above, but be strongly encouraged to seek additional sources at the local level. You may be surprised at just how easy returning to school for the single parent can be!

Until next time….

Blessings!

Traci

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Picking up where we left off last month with Spirituality and the Single Parent Part I, the idea of incorporating spirituality into the single parent’s life is multi-faceted. While the obvious areas include praying for strength, guidance, help with finances, or simply wanting to be the best parent they can be, there are more personal, more “mentally challenging” areas that affect the single parent on a deeper level.

The Hamster Effect
Most single parents work at a full time job to support their family, run the household, play taxi cab driver as they cart their kids to and fro and on top of all of that, also take on the additional tasks of things such as car maintenance, budgeting, grocery shopping, bill paying, etc. It is as if they employed on ten jobs simultaneously…not just one. Sleep becomes a rare luxury. Private time is rare if not non-existent. Just as a pet hamster spends most of its day riding around and around on the same endless wheel, so does the life of a typical single parent. This kind of existence is hard enough for two parent homes and/or those who have chosen to be single parents via adoption. However, the truth of the matter is that most single parents did not choose to be single parents. Thus, it is easy for them to succumb to the destructive emotions of bitterness, resentfulness, and loneliness. For these reasons, a connection to a higher power becomes a necessity and not an option. In order for the single parent to continue to be mentally and emotionally effective and healthy in their lives as well as in the lives of their children, the need to “purge” negative emotions and “fill up” on encouragement and hope offers a reprieve from the hamster-like grind. Meditation, even just five minutes a day, could prove invaluable in “resetting” the mental and emotional gauge of the single parent.

Condemnation
While we live in the 21st century, there is still a large segment of society that views single parenthood as the proverbial scarlet letter. Despite the rising divorce rate and even in the case of widows and widowers, single parenthood is often viewed as a situation created through selfishness or irresponsibility. In order to cope, the spirituality of the single parent has fully rely on humility, courage, and trust in God. This is very necessary to counteract the ramifications of condemnation on the psyche of the single parent as well as the trickle down effect this condemnation could have on the children in these homes. Also, many children in single parent homes often blame the parent with whom they live for the loss or absence of the other parent. To properly and effectively deal with the confusion and emotions of their children as well as battle the views of others outside to home, the spirit and mental stability of the parent must be strong and properly grounded. Only through reliance on a source higher than oneself can assist with this day to day battle.
This only scratches the surface of the many areas where a strong spiritual foundation can totally transform the life of a single parent. Oftentimes, a single parent feels they must work harder or perform better than their two parent counterparts for acceptance – acceptance by outsiders as well acceptance by their own children. However, knowing that they are not alone in the struggle and taking time for prayer and meditation can go a long way in taking the edge off of their minds, bodies, and spirit. In the end, not only will the single parent benefit greatly, but so will their children.

Blessings!

Traci

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Last month, I wrote about Spirituality and the Modern Teen. However, we can’t talk about their issues without also addressing the spirituality of the parents … especially single parents. To be honest, the problems and needs of the single parent are almost too numerous to list and, generally, these parents receive very little help from organizations and/or society in meeting these needs. Partly because it is an experience (single parenthood) that many still do not fully understand unless they were reared in a single parent home or have been / are single parents themselves. However, it is important to realize that the special needs of single-parent families cannot be satisfied with just material means. While it is true that over 80% of most American single parent families are headed by women and suffer poor economic conditions, all single-parent families, whether headed by men or women, are also lacking in important social and spiritual support outside of the home. That puts even more demands on these already emotionally, financially, and mentally stressed single parents families.

Many single parents either realize the urgent need (or will soon come to realize) for a deep life of prayer because of the loneliness of the single parent existence. While constant interaction with children can offer satisfaction to most men and women (especially those who are in married) , it can also be very draining and even more draining for the single parent. With the absence of another adult to spend time with outside of the kids – to offer support, a listening ear, and adult companionship – the resulting emotional toll can be significant. Add to this syndrome the insensitivity of others and in some cases being ostracized or judged because of their single parent status, the need for a more intense strong and persevering prayer-life is oftentimes the only immediate outlet to combat the fears, the pressures, and the fatigue of everyday life.

However, in the single parent home, while the need for a strong spiritual foundation and prayer life is evident, the challenge of finding time also rears its ugly head. Constant fatigue – mentally and emotionally – can zap the energy to want to connect to a higher power. But through small steps – reading one or two scriptural texts daily or finding a weekly, church group meeting – can work wonders on the psyche and well-being of single parents. Starting with simply connecting with another single parent and together, seeking some spiritual solace can be the beginning of a spiritual road that can be a welcomed and needed break from the demands at home and the daily pressures of society.

Blessings!
Traci

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Annie Fox is an author, educator and online advisor for tweens, teens and parents. She has authored books such as “Middle School Confidential”, “The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating” as well as “Too Stressed To Think”. Join us as we return from our summer break to spend some quality time with Annie Fox!

www.anniefox.com

There has been a great debate over the years as to whether or not a single parent environment negatively affects children or not. Now, we all know that each case has its own particulars and not all cases involving a single parent environment are the same. But there are studies that show some negative effects on some children raised in a single parent environment. Here are just some of the problems your child may (or may not) have when being raised in a single parent environment. Think of these as food for thought.

Let’s start with education. Studies have shown children that are raised in a single parent environment have lower grades than those who are raised in a home with both parents. This can be in a home where the child has always been raised by one parent or in homes where a divorce or separation has recently taken place. Studies also show children raised in a single parent environment are less likely to go to college or take steps to continue their education. There are also a higher percentage of drop outs that were raised in a single family home. While the data gathered in this study may be true in some cases, I have to be honest and politely add a rebuttal. I was raised by a single parent who was not formally education. But, because of her support, I excelled in school. I also have many friends and associations from single parent homes also did pretty darn good in school as well!  While I am not discrediting this study, I will say that a child’s performance in education should not be based on the number of parents in the home. Is it more challenging for single parents, well, of course it is. But should it be allowed to grow into a negative factor for kids and teens? Absolutely not!

We have also recently learned that there is a negative effect on children’s behavior particularly during the first year of a separation or divorce. This occurs for a number of reasons. The first reason is that the child is not receiving an equal amount of affection and attention from both parents. Studies show children act more calmly when both parents are in the home and are able to pay attention to their children. Another reason your child may act out, particularly during the first year is that the parent who has the custody or even both parents may act distant and not be able to pay as much attention to the child as they were able to before. Many parents find themselves distracted and allow their child more freedoms than they are used to and that they will not discipline like they would before the divorce or separation. I have talked to many folks who were the product of a divorced household when they were young. In almost all of the cases, there was indeed a rough “adjustment” period for the child. Because of this, it is so very important for those parents who are separating to do so as amicably as possible.

Lastly, there are studies that state children who are raised in a single parent environment may be more prone to depression. There are times where a single parent environment may be more stressful than a home with two active parents. This can cause a negative effect on their ability to concentrate and find enjoyment in things and activities they once liked. Unfortunately, this study does ring true in most cases. In a poll we conducted in 2008, most of those we talked to did recall a period of personal depression over not having their mom or dad at home. Some cited a brief depression period. Others succumbed to a depression that adversely affected their lives over a long period of time. Either way, the mental health of children in single parent homes should never be taken lightly. The effects can be far reaching.

Blessings!

Traci

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