For those of us who like to follow the soap opera called politics, last week, we saw a sad show of bad sportsmanship and poor behavior during the 2011 Republican Presidential debate held in Las Vegas on October 18th. Some of you may ask “So what else is new?” And I would have to agree, poor behavior and lack of sportsmanship has become common in current day politics. However, we are in a time when the general morale of the country is at an all time low. Our younger generation is much more involved in politics and thanks to the Internet, MTV, etc. their exposure to issues is more prevalent than ever. Thus, bad sportsmanship and bad behavior has far reaching effects. Not only are we electing potential candidates for office, we are also, by default, electing a silent partner that will set the tone and influence the mindsets of many….their character.

Last week, we saw more personal “jabs” taken and given in the debate than a focus on the issues at hand. Rick Perry urged Mitt Romney to “finally tell the truth” and Mitt Romney alluded to Rick Perry being a “dimwitted novice” and questioned his integrity and ability to lead. Even outside of the debates, we have seen hopefuls, like Herman Cain, attack the manhood of our current president to help promote his own agenda. Not only does this exchange of rhetoric undermine the perception of the Republican party in general, more importantly, it sends a message, especially to the younger generation, that displaying respect and character to your fellow colleague, even in competition, is no longer a requirement. In the case of recent comments made against our current president, it sets an example that lack of respect is “OKAY” to give to someone in a position if authority. Giving respect should not be predicated on whether your political views are democrat or republican. It is much bigger than that. It should be a requirement for fair and effective leadership and conduct.

As we all continue to watch the current debates and anticipate the forthcoming democratic events as well, we should keep one thing in mind: When we elect or support a candidate, we are ALWAYS electing two entities; the person AND the character they represent. One (the person) will carry out the tasks at hand and smile for the cameras. The other (his/her character) will set the tone for the nation and will greatly influence our future leaders.

Until next time…

Blessings!

Traci
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Part IV: “Who’s the Boss?”

“Live so that when your children think of fairness and integrity, they think of you.”

H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

We have reached the conclusion of the 4-part blog post on ways to instill GREAT character into your tween or teen. We have discussed the basics of values and manners, the importance of quality time, ideas to prepare teens and tweens for proper character in adulthood, and now it is time to talk about establishing boundaries and respect. In order to do this, it is essential that one thing remains very clear:  THE PARENT IS THE ADULT….NOT the teen or tween!  I think the notion of parents being “friends” to their kids is very important and is absolutely needed to foster open and candid communication. However, like so many things these days, this concept has been taken to the far extreme in many cases. It is never okay to blur the lines of “friend” and “parent” so much so that tweens and teens do not consider their parent as the “boss” in the household. The traits of respect, accountability, and reverence are learned when there are clear and distinct roles in the home that teens have to respect. To disrespect or “violate” the proper chain of command and authority in the home should lead to “undesirable consequences” for your teen or tween (hmmm….much like it does in the outside “adult” world too, right?).

Now, I am not advocating “fear” tactics here. What I am suggesting is that a little “old-fashioned” rearing can go a LONG way in not only maintaining respect and peace in the home, but will also prepare your tween and teen to respect others and the laws that govern their outside world as well.

1. Mean what you say… especially when the answer is “NO!”: Teens (well kids in general) will always “test” you. All parents have experienced this at some point. However, to show true love for your teen is keep a “thick skin” and not back down when the answer of “NO” is truly in their best interest. Sometimes saying “no” is actually saying “yes” to their overall safety and well being (despite the temper tantrums, attitudes, and/or silent treatment that may follow).

2. Don’t bury your head in the sand when it comes to your teen: The best way to learn responsibility is to give it and then to enforce punishment when that given responsibility is not taken seriously. While the temptation may be there to offer excuses or offer leniency to your teen, this is actually the worst thing you can do. Ignoring their behavior (when it is disrespectful or inappropriate) won’t solve matters either. Remember…you are preparing another human being for the challenges of the outside world. They will be held accountable out there…so make sure they practice accountability at home as well.

3. Manage their Media: Of course you don’t want to constantly hover over your teen or tween like a vulture circling over fresh carcass, but, you don’t want to be totally oblivious either. When it comes to media (TV, DVDs, Computer related sites), you absolutely want to be “in the know” of what they are taking into their minds (See my blog post “The Un-Safety of Facebook” to understand the consequences of NOT knowing what they may be doing online). It allows opportunities for you to teach and instill the right values as they are exposed to various media content.  And it can also give you insight into their viewing habits and hence the types of things they are mentally focusing upon.

4. Meet and Greet: We are back to another concept that could be deemed “old-fashioned”. However, with the increase in abductions, gang participation, and random acts of violence amongst young adults, being a little old-fashioned can make all the difference in the safety of your tween or teen. It is extremely important to know (or get to know) who their friends and associations are. But you don’t have to turn it into an interrogation. Explain to your teen why it is important and encourage them to think in terms of safety…not a violation of their privacy. It reinforces to your teen that you are serious in your role as their parent AND it helps to shape their thinking to always be mindful of who they associate with and why.

5. And remember who the boss “Really” Is: Whether your teen or tween says it or not….they WANT someone they can look up to. They want and need someone that will make them feel safe and protected. And they want and need someone they can get guidance from especially during the very confusing times of adolescence. To be that person for them, you have to establish your ground as a parent and “boss”…first. In the end, you and your teen (or tween) will be better for it.

I hope you have enjoyed this 4-part blog post on how to instill GREAT character in your tween or teen. Please give us feedback on these posts by leaving your comments.

Until next time …

Blessings!

Traci

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Part III: “Adult Preparation”

“Sow an act, and you reap a habit; sow a habit, and you reap a character; sow a character, and you reap a destiny.”
George Dana Boardman

Last time, we left off on the importance of quality family time and its effects in building great character in your teen or tween. [refer to the blog post "Part 2: How to Instill 'Good' (no wait...'Great') Character in Your Teen or Tween: There is No Time Like Quality Time”]. Now, it’s time to talk about the process of equipping teens with the skills needed to be successful adults. This is NOT an easy task! Peer pressure, media messages, and even technology (to a degree) are oftentimes working against parents as they try their hardest to nurture and give the needed tools to help their kids have a great start and a fighting chance in today’s world. Be the old adage is true: “You reap what you sow”. Sowing good “seeds” in your teen’s character development NOW and allowing those seeds to take root will indeed benefit them in the long run as they grow into adults. While we can spend a week just talking about all of the kinds of “seeds” to sow, I just want to take a minute here to highlight a few worth mentioning:

1. Just Say NO! (To alcohol and drugs): This seems like a pretty common sense one, right? Well, there are still PLENTY of households out there that not only take this point for granted, but in some homes, mom and/or dad “party” with their teens. We can not ignore this reality. It is important to reiterate to set the example of ZERO tolerance to alcohol and drug use in and out of the home. Have open and frank conversations about it. Plant the “seed” that many a poor decision and tragic consequence started with… the so-called “harmless” drink or smoke. A parent’s own personal behavior in this area is critical. Make it a “positive” example.

2. A credit card is NOT their best friend: While is it “cute” to have the latest fashions and “fun” to have latest cell phone model, the bill that comes later is FAR from cute and fun! Help your teen not only to appreciate non-material things, but to be a wiser consumer. Limit their spending and at the same time, use this as a teachable moment to instill money management skills. If you are not the best at managing money yourself, maybe you and your teen can use this as a time to learn together (hmmm…another idea for some quality time together here). How you spend and manage your money will truly “rub off” on your teen or tween. Help them to understand that they can still have SOME of the newest material things out there…but they truly don’t need to have ALL of them. 

3. Be the “coolest” teacher: And speaking of the “teachable moment” why not be the person your teen or tween feels very comfortable talking to (and not fearful to talk to). Just the mere act of candid and casual conversations everyday can tell you a LOT about their character development and how to better guide them in the right direction. Use these conversations to talk about and teach traits such as integrity, empathy, and compassion.

4. The Benefits of Chores: No one likes the word “chore”. So let’s use the word “responsibilities” instead. The assignment and completion of these “responsibilities” will set the stage in your teen and tween’s mind that they have obligations to not only themselves, but to others as well. This mindset, if instilled in EVERY young person, would have a huge and positive effect on the whole society. But it all starts with the habits of responsibility established at home, first.

5. The Power of Positive Energy: Have you ever noticed the vast amount of energy “little people” (as I call them) have? Children are bursting with natural energy and they desperately want to channel it…somewhere. Without proper guidance and direction, rest assured, it will be channeled and channeled in a direction you may regret. As the “older ones”, our job is to make sure that energy is channeled in a positive direction (positive hobbies, positive sports, positive friends, positive clubs or organizations, etc.)  so that not only will they develop a sense of caring and cooperation at a young age, but they will desire what is edifying and positive as they transition into adulthood.

I hope you find these “adult prep” ideas help a little. There are MANY more, but just the few “seeds” above will create a strong springboard into adulthood for most teens and tweens. Next time, we will talk about who is really to “boss” at home and why that is important to a teen’s character.

Until next time …

Blessings!

Traci

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Another Young and Talented Actress Battling Demons

Last week, the internet world (as well as numerous magazine racks) were filled with negative press and scathing remarks about the latest drama in the world of young celeb, Lindsay Lohan.  I, purposely, did not touch the subject because of the hoards of attention already being cast upon this very unfortunate young woman.  However, the more I read or hear about Ms. Lohan, the more apparent it is to me that underneath the media coverage and tabloid exploitations, is a young woman in dire need of more than just alcohol and/or drug rehab;  she is lacking in many of the C.H.A.M.P. attributes  that I have spoken on previously.  For those “tuning in” to this blog for the very first time, I am the author of the book “The C.H.A.M.P. Within” (www.thechampinyou.com).  And no, I am not trying to use Ms. Lohan’s  plight to plug my book! Instead, her story just underscores what happens when ANY of these key traits is amiss in a young person’s life: Character, Happiness, Attitude, Mentality, and Purpose.

While on the surface she seems to have all of the worldly trappings that most people (and especially teens and tweens who follow her) equate to success – million dollar movie deals, fabulous homes, exotic cars, and non-stop partying – obviously, she is not really a success in her own mind. To be truly successful in this relatively short life we are all given on Earth means that you are content and confident internally, FIRST.  You stand for something (character), you accept and love yourself “as is” (happiness), you are positive and you expect the best to come your way (attitude), you treat yourself- mind and body- with respect and you respect the lives of others (mentality), and you seek to help others in some way as well as embark on a path that keeps you centered and peaceful (purpose).

Where did Ms. Lohan lose her way? Was it a lack of the above shown to her at home? Was it watching her parents self-destruct and then taking on their negative habits unknowingly? Was it trying to drown her self-loathing and discontent with alcohol and/or drugs? Or…maybe it was all of the above. The point is: she CAN be helped and she CAN make a new life for herself by seeking to be her own inner “C.H.A.M.P.” and doing the actual “work” (rehab, prayer, counseling, self-reflection, meditation, affirmations, and reassessing her personal associations) necessary for a REAL change.  A rehab stint alone will not do it…it is just a start. It is the total commitment to a new and healthier mental and emotional lifestyle that will make real change for her.

And what else can we take from her current plight? We can try to make sure our own teens and tweens  do not follow down the same road she has travelled. In an age where celebrities are more or less “demigods” in the eyes of teens and tweens, we must do our part to instill C.H.A.M.P. traits in them as soon (and as early) as possible. My prayers and thoughts are with Ms. Lohan.  I KNOW she can weather this storm and come out stronger than ever on the other side!

Blessings…

Traci

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Part II: “There Is No Time Like Quality Time”

“Personal example carries more weight than preaching.”
Chinese Proverb

So now that we have the “basics” out of the way [refer to the blog post "How to Instill 'Good' (no wait...'Great') Character in Your Teen or Tween" Part I: The Basics], we can move on to the value of spending quality time together. Many teens and tweens are seeing their parents less and less these days. Whether you are a single parent or a household blessed to have BOTH parents living happily together, the need for more than one income to survive is more a necessity than ever before. So, how do we deal with this reality? We have to get a little “creative” in how and what quality time really is all about. Make sure that whatever amount of time you have together that it truly is time of, well, QUALITY! (and no, I do not mean sitting silently together watching the news or maybe not so quietly while you watch the latest episode of “American Idol”). Here are some ideas that may help to start churning those mental juices of how to incorporate quality time into the life of you and your teen (and for that matter….quality time with the adults in your life as well):

1. Breaking Bread…without the TV!: Since I already mentioned the television, I will start with this point. It is nearly impossible to have quality conversation and “connect” with each other when you are competing with the latest episode of “The Mentalist” or the season finale of “The Bachelor”. Mealtime, for most families, is one of the few times when everyone is together in one place at the same time. Why not make the most of it? Even if this does not occur everyday, make it a time that not only you, but your teen also, will look forward to. Talk about not only what is happening in your day to day lives, but talk about current events and how each of you may feel about it or interpret it. Bring up issues that may weigh on your minds and talk openly about it. After a while, this type of interaction may prove to be even more entertaining and fulfilling than what TV (in general nowadays) has to offer.

2. Pray Together and Stay Together: Regardless of your chosen religion or faith, the need for a spiritual foundation is key to you and your teens (or tweens) mental and emotional health (and studies have shown that those who practice some form of spirituality have a lower incident of heart disease and depression). So, why not make this an activity you do together on a regular basis? It can start as simply giving thanks for things that happened to each of you that day. Then, it can grow into a more dedicated prayer and worship time. The point here is not only to spend quality time together, but to also make it quality time to grow together spiritually as well.

3. Action Pact!: We all know that as tweens become teens, they want to spend more and more time with their friends and less with mom and/or dad. And in this day and age of Blackberry’s and IPads, we all “live and breathe” by our already too cluttered schedules (and this includes teens too). However, and I speak from experience now that my own mother is no longer with me, the times I spent doing things with her as a teenager are some my fondest memories. Why not carve out a specific day and time (movie night on Fridays, or mall time on Saturdays, or going to the zoo or park once a month) and make it a set appointment!? Make it a top priority and stick to it…no excuses and no cancellations. Memories will be captured for a lifetime and the bond between you will be strengthened.

4. Have a service plan: And to piggy-back off of the previous point, try to incorporate community service, together as a family, into those schedule activities. While it is very important to help others as much as we can, you can also help the relationship and bond between you and your teen/tween by simply picking a service-oriented activity (like serving at the local food pantry or volunteering at a nursing home) to do together. This will also, by default, help to instill better character and a sense of duty in your teen as well.

5. The lost art of reading: While modern technology is fantastic…it has also created a “lone wolf” mentality in many teens as well as adults. It is soo easy to come home, jump on the computer and check email without saying a word to your spouse, your parent, etc. It is easy to totally ignore what someone is saying in order to concentrate on the text message you are sending out. Waaayyy back when, before computer, TV, and even radio, families had to rely on each other for entertainment. One way they spent time together was to read aloud to everyone. This practice has truly become a lost art. Now, even if sitting around a fire reading to each other does not appeal to you (I, frankly, like the idea)…you can take this general idea and find a way to incorporate reading as a family as a way to spend quality time with each other.

I hope you find these ideas just the “tip of the iceberg” as they say! Please try to find other creative ways to get that much needed quality time. And, we will talk about some ideas to help prepare teens for adulthood in the next post. See ya then!

Blessings!

Traci

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Part I: “The Basics”

“Character is, for the most part, simply habit become fixed.”
C. H. Parkhurst

I love this quote. It is simple and to the point! To have great character which, by the way, GREATLY determines the course of our lives, is simply the application of certain habits that become “fixed” in our psyche. We then begin to act like we think. And the sooner we develop those certain habits, the better off we are on the road of life. Preparing a teen or tween to have great character [in addition to learning math, history, biology, and all of that other “fun” high school stuff ] will have a profound and lasting effect on their lives. And how do we prepare them? Well, we will talk about at least 20 ways to get them off to a great start in the area of character, but for right now, let’s talk about the very easy common sense things we all too often take for granted. Or, what I like to call….the “basic” stuff:

1. BE A MODEL! (Of good character that is): Your teens and tweens are around you a lot. And what they see regularly will surely rub off. Practice good character yourself and they will take it in like a sponge.

2. Have and Explain Values: Your tween or teen should have a very clear understanding of who you are and what you stand for. They need to also know WHY you believe what you believe. Morality is an issue that needs to be first discussed at home so when your teen or tween is out and about in the real world, they can make decisions from a firm (and positive) moral foundation.

3. Show R-E-S-P-E-C-T: It is hard for anyone to respect someone who does not respect others or their selves. Why should teens or tweens be any different? If you show constant and consistent respect for your spouse, your friends, your parents, your neighbors, or even the mailman, this will instill a respect attitude in your teen or tween. And guess what? You will more often than not get that respect shown to you in return.

4. Good “Home Training”: Home training is just another way of saying “having good manners”. Saying thank you, opening the door for an older person or lady, wiping up after they make a mess, putting things away when they are done using then, making up their bed, etc. etc. Sounds like pretty insignificant stuff, huh? Well, they are not. The enforcement of these very basic things have long reaching effects later on how a teen or tween may view life and/or treat others. As most things do…..it all starts at home.

Like I said earlier, these are the basics, but very important basics. We will talk about the importance of time in the next post. See ya then!

Blessings!

Traci

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