Part IV: “Who’s the Boss?”

“Live so that when your children think of fairness and integrity, they think of you.”

H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

We have reached the conclusion of the 4-part blog post on ways to instill GREAT character into your tween or teen. We have discussed the basics of values and manners, the importance of quality time, ideas to prepare teens and tweens for proper character in adulthood, and now it is time to talk about establishing boundaries and respect. In order to do this, it is essential that one thing remains very clear:  THE PARENT IS THE ADULT….NOT the teen or tween!  I think the notion of parents being “friends” to their kids is very important and is absolutely needed to foster open and candid communication. However, like so many things these days, this concept has been taken to the far extreme in many cases. It is never okay to blur the lines of “friend” and “parent” so much so that tweens and teens do not consider their parent as the “boss” in the household. The traits of respect, accountability, and reverence are learned when there are clear and distinct roles in the home that teens have to respect. To disrespect or “violate” the proper chain of command and authority in the home should lead to “undesirable consequences” for your teen or tween (hmmm….much like it does in the outside “adult” world too, right?).

Now, I am not advocating “fear” tactics here. What I am suggesting is that a little “old-fashioned” rearing can go a LONG way in not only maintaining respect and peace in the home, but will also prepare your tween and teen to respect others and the laws that govern their outside world as well.

1. Mean what you say… especially when the answer is “NO!”: Teens (well kids in general) will always “test” you. All parents have experienced this at some point. However, to show true love for your teen is keep a “thick skin” and not back down when the answer of “NO” is truly in their best interest. Sometimes saying “no” is actually saying “yes” to their overall safety and well being (despite the temper tantrums, attitudes, and/or silent treatment that may follow).

2. Don’t bury your head in the sand when it comes to your teen: The best way to learn responsibility is to give it and then to enforce punishment when that given responsibility is not taken seriously. While the temptation may be there to offer excuses or offer leniency to your teen, this is actually the worst thing you can do. Ignoring their behavior (when it is disrespectful or inappropriate) won’t solve matters either. Remember…you are preparing another human being for the challenges of the outside world. They will be held accountable out there…so make sure they practice accountability at home as well.

3. Manage their Media: Of course you don’t want to constantly hover over your teen or tween like a vulture circling over fresh carcass, but, you don’t want to be totally oblivious either. When it comes to media (TV, DVDs, Computer related sites), you absolutely want to be “in the know” of what they are taking into their minds (See my blog post “The Un-Safety of Facebook” to understand the consequences of NOT knowing what they may be doing online). It allows opportunities for you to teach and instill the right values as they are exposed to various media content.  And it can also give you insight into their viewing habits and hence the types of things they are mentally focusing upon.

4. Meet and Greet: We are back to another concept that could be deemed “old-fashioned”. However, with the increase in abductions, gang participation, and random acts of violence amongst young adults, being a little old-fashioned can make all the difference in the safety of your tween or teen. It is extremely important to know (or get to know) who their friends and associations are. But you don’t have to turn it into an interrogation. Explain to your teen why it is important and encourage them to think in terms of safety…not a violation of their privacy. It reinforces to your teen that you are serious in your role as their parent AND it helps to shape their thinking to always be mindful of who they associate with and why.

5. And remember who the boss “Really” Is: Whether your teen or tween says it or not….they WANT someone they can look up to. They want and need someone that will make them feel safe and protected. And they want and need someone they can get guidance from especially during the very confusing times of adolescence. To be that person for them, you have to establish your ground as a parent and “boss”…first. In the end, you and your teen (or tween) will be better for it.

I hope you have enjoyed this 4-part blog post on how to instill GREAT character in your tween or teen. Please give us feedback on these posts by leaving your comments.

Until next time …

Blessings!

Traci

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As we (my hubby and I) jet off on a short vacation to take a few days of rest and “fun in the sun”… I wanted to direct your attention to an article I ran across that is pretty interesting. Check out:

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/parenting/surefire-ways-to-turn-off-your-teen-1954428

While, as I think back to my own tween and teens years, some of the questions and scenarios Dr. Michele Borba outlines do not ring a bell for me personally, the article is overall VERY informative and can truly help in bettering the communication in your household (or in the household of someone you may know). It is definitely worth a good read!

Enjoy and I will “chat” with you all next week!

Blessings!

Traci

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We have come a LOONNGG way from the “baby boomer” generation (the generation of my older siblings) who suffered through civil rights, Watergate, and the Vietnam war to the current generation whose main dilemmas seem to be “Which cell phone do I buy or do I just get an iPad instead?” Don’t get me wrong, the current generation (those born between 1982 and 2002) may very well be saddled with an enormous economic debt (trillions of dollars potentially) and a defuncted social security system. Not to mention a severe lack of funds and help for college. But, it appears most teens aren’t too concerned with these potential disasters. I, for one, do not see many teens out rallying and protesting against these ills. Instead, they seem very preoccupied with material things, celebrity obsessions, and seeing themselves on YouTube.

To me, self-entitlement is on the rise and public service is taking a nose dive, in general, with the current generation. I guess the real questions to ask are: Is this generation, focused on “me, myself, and I”, the product of the too much parental spoiling? Or are they correct in taking a more “positve attitude” approach to things and not worrying about the challenges that lay ahead for them? Could generation “Me” simply be displaying more self-assurance than previous generations who were quicker to take more drastic measures ( i.e. protests, riots, sit-ins)?

Hmmm…what do you think? Please do provide comments on this post…can’t wait to hear from you all!

Blessings…

Traci

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About ten years ago, if you were a single parent, people would tend to think negative thoughts about you. Currently, being a single parent is still looked at more negatively than if you are married with kids. But, due to so many celebrities who cohabitate and are not married plus the divorce rate being constantly thrown in our faces by the media, being a married parent today is not viewed as being the only right way. We are also in a day and age where, oftentimes, woman are earning more than their male counterparts and opt to have a child alone instead of walking down the aisle first. While I am personally a STRONG (I can not emphasize this enough) proponent of the “married with children” scenario, there are a number of factors why somebody could be a single parent. If it’s better for the kids, based on the situation at home, then it should be looked at more positively. And more people are starting to do just that.

Children are still taught, in most homes, that you should be married before you have children. This is absolutely the best advice. But since many parents no longer stop supporting their teen if the teen were to go out and get pregnant, it can send a mixed message. Even if you are a single parent, it’s better to teach your child to be married before having children because it is always better for a child to grow up with two parents, and parenting is much easier with two adults in the home. I think most single parents out there may agree with me on that one?!

Now if you are in a nightmare of a marriage, where one of the spouses is abusive to the child or the other spouse, or both, then most people would be advised on leaving that type of marriage.  I am a strong proponent of seeking spiritual counseling as the first remedy to save a marriage. But, this requires the active and sincere participation of both husband and wife. Unfortunately, this does not always yield a positive result either. People may not like the fact that you were ending your marriage, but they would respect you for it especially if efforts were made to save it. And it’s always better to be respected for something that benefits you and your family, especially your kids, rather than being liked by strangers, being unhappy, and let’s not forget…being abused!

Of course, when two people are forced into marriage because the woman is pregnant, then it’s usually harder to make the marriage work because they are only there for one reason. Can it work? Sure…if both are fully committed to trying their best and fully committed to relying on their faith and spirituality to help. But if the commitment is just not there on both parts, then this is not a healthy relationship to foster although there are many people who do stay “just for the kids.”

Thankfully, our present generation is a lot more understanding than it was twenty years ago. Most folks understand that most single parents did not set out to raise their children single handedly. For this reason, single parent homes need our sincere support and respect. But being married with a child will probably always look the best to people, but more importantly, married with a child is usually best for the child.

Blessings!

Traci

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